some things are never said and taken to the grave
by emilyforprez
Summary: but she'll reveal them all here.


**A/N:** I've been absent for a while because my computer was in the shop, because exactly as I was writing this, it froze up on me. I was going to write this earlier, but some dramz happened... the guy I've been in love with for four years came out of the closet. Blew my mind, mayne.

Attention: I will be taking all of my unfinished multi-chapters that I'm not working on and putting them away for safe-keeping, until I find the time to finish them. Just a warning.

* * *

You were born on a rainy afternoon in the middle of September.

Rufus rushed in Allison with panicking eyes, your mother releasing _hee-hoo_ breaths and your brother wailing in the lobby. When you fell into Dr. Ellis's hands, he smiled and announced, "It's a girl!" You cried and Allison cried and Rufus panicked. But Rufus loved you, and Allison loved you, and your name was Jennifer Humphrey, and you had a big sibling named Dan who always wanted a little brother.

When you were twenty-one months old, you became very ill, and like any good mother, Allison snatched you up and hurried you to the hospital. You ended up vomiting out one of Dan's Legos. Rufus told himself he never wanted any more kids and Dan cried because he was afraid you'd died and Allison sternly told you that even though it was brown, and chocolate was brown, it was not good for eating.

You've never told anyone, but you're allergic to peanuts. It's a big secret in your household and never should be mentioned, and even though it's pretty silly, the most embarrassing moment of your life was when you blew up like a Macy's balloon at your friend's birthday party when you were five. You know it's not that terrible, but still it's a secret because it's a big world out there, and maybe some of those girls at Constance are murderous.

When you were six, Allison left for the first time.

You cried and Dan cried and you looked at Dan and cried more because, "You're my brother, you're not supposed to cry!" which made him bawl even more because he was a wimp and the worst big brother in the world. You fell asleep on his racecar bed in a fitful of tears while clutching his new Cabbage Patch kid. When you woke up, you forgot why you were crying, and Allison was in the kitchen cooking waffles and kissing Rufus.

You're afraid of the dark, because there's monsters in your closet, and it scares you to death. When Allison went out of town to promote her paintings, Rufus made the mistake of leaving you in a room with the door closed and the lights off. You ended up screaming so loud, Dan woke up in his room, and Rufus hastily bought you a night-light. (Allison never trusted you home alone with him again, and promised you she'd never leave you alone with him again, and that a night-light would be supplied every time you fell asleep.)

It's a secret of yours, but your most dominant dream is to be famous. You look at the TV and see those rich girls in their expensive cars and their beautiful clothes, and you think it would be the best feeling in the world to be famous. You think that maybe one day you'd be able to buy the whole world with money left over. (You can't, though, because you saw a very pretty scooter on the TV, and when you asked Allison for it, she told you it was too expensive. You threw a fit.)

When you were eight, Allison left again. Her and Rufus were fighting too much for your liking.

You didn't cry this time, because Dan didn't cry. Instead, you slipped into his room late at night and asked him to read you a story. He was elated, because you'd never shown an interest in books before, and read you the first chapter to Harry Potter. Although you didn't understand most of the words, you listened intently, because maybe if you were very smart and understood big words like Dan, you'd be able to become rich and famous like those girls on TV in the pretty clothes.

It took a while for Allison to come back this time, but she eventually did, bearing gifts for you and Dan. She handed Dan a leather-bound journal and you a sparkly diary, assuring you that there was definitely a difference between the two. She also showed Dan his brand-new bike and you that scooter you'd wanted. You never asked her where she got the money.

(Neither did Rufus.)

You aren't perfect.

Ain't that the truth?

You want to be. You think it would be great if you just woke up one day with the world kneeling at your feet, and Dan your humble servant, and gold adorning every shining surface in your room. You're not perfect and you're not rich. You're relatively middle-class and average, and that's what everyone always said about you. (Not Allison. She called you her angel. But then she left.)

You were thirteen when _that_ happened. And really, you assumed she would be back, like all those other times. You thought she'd be back.

Haha, aren't you just the idealist?

She sent you a sewing machine in the mail. With a letter, of course, unsigned but with the calligraphy you recognized as your mother's handwriting. _"Angel, I love you." _You cried but told no one. You hated yourself but told no one. Dan got another journal in the mail and he didn't cry, and Rufus didn't cry.

You didn't know what to do with the sewing machine, so you just drew pretty outfits in your diary and decided to give it a try. The first time you pricked yourself with the needle and frowned at the blood, but you continued until you were better at it.

Your first dress made you feel like a princess. Then Dan got apple juice on it and you hated him profusely.

Some secrets will stay with you until the grave. Like how you hate the dark and are allergic to peanuts and actually fell in love with Eric van der Woodsen before he came out, and how you love your mother but sometimes hate you father, and how you wish Dan was actually your parent because he's responsible and loves you, and how you secretly cried the night Serena broke up with Dan because you really liked her, and even how much you loved Nate Archibald.

Some secrets are better left contained in a diary.

(Last year, your scooter was stolen, and a memory from childhood died. Really, you've changed so much and you miss your old self. You really hate being queen. You miss Eric. You miss your mother. A lot of things are missing in your life, but you're just fine. Damien's not so bad of a guy, if you squint.)


End file.
